Yes, that’s the real news concerning this piece, not what Guinness is actually trying to pass off as news. See according to 1UP (But don’t worry if you don’t read 1UP often the PR’s been sent to every gaming news outlet on the planet) the Guinness Book of World Records awarded Codemaster’s new racer Fuel the “Biggest Console Game of All Time.” Clocking in at a reported 5,560 square miles of accessible in-game terrain, the game is already being awarded an world record right as the title is close to release.

I’m sure at first the world record was “Biggest Game of All Time” when suddenly a PC Gaming Ninja immediately broke into their offices and relayed to them all of the PC games that have easily beaten that record. So they just added in “Console” and that was that.

OR WAS IT?

Because honestly are you really telling me that in the almost thirty years console gaming as we’ve known it has never produced a game that large? How did the measure the in-game distance compared to other games? Hell let’s take Wind Waker, how big was that damn Great Sea? There’s 49 ‘cells’ that make up the Great Sea in Wind Waker that you sail too. If there’s sixty-five unique islands and we use Toon Link as a unit of measurement and every five Toon Link’s is one King of Red Lions….shit, can we use cubits here? And we haven’t even started to take Hammerfall’s generated world but oh that’s on the PC so it doesn’t count.

Anyway the point is is that everything in games is subjective when talking about measurement and this is just another one of the PR stunts that Guinness does to hype up their Gamer Edition Guinness Records Book.

To end this, I’ll just quickly post one of my personal favorite Guinness Gamer Edition PR Events. A while back they hosted an event in which the largest number of video game-related cosplayers would gather together. The record was the…well it was the largest gathering of video game-related cosplayers. You can see video footage of the results here in which they boastfully claim that “There’s probably over 80 people here dressed up as video game characters alone!” to the world.

Oh wow there have been more video game character cosplayers gathered together in an anime convention hall bathroom. But the real ironic thing about this record is how many of the cosplayers there aren’t even cosplayers, they’re corporate mascots showing up for a PR event! Because Boogie became such a big hit that some hardcore fan of the game just had to make it out there to the event to show off his painstakingly recreated Boogie Costume. Then you have the Crash and Spyro suits there as well…wait is that the same Crash outfit that’s been worn for the past nine years? I’m not saying it’s the first one, the one where Crash called Mario out. The one they’ve been using ever since Crash stopped becoming a mainstream game mascot. That one.

And the best thing about it, the best thing? Mario’s not even there. I guess whichever branch had the Mario Suit that day didn’t care about the potential exposure the PR WORLD RECORD EVENT would bring. And they didn’t need to, there were a SHIT-TON of Mario there. That’s the plural for Mario right? Just, Mario? Marios, Marii? Anyway, these events are such desperate grabs for attention that when the guy who’s appeared in more games than God did in the Bible doesn’t bother to make an official appearance that you’re not doing this to show off how far man has come and his achievements….through….cosplay….

– The Ben.